Struggling

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Dear God,

I am struggling. This task, this book process is too much for me and I am man enough to admit I am struggling. It feels as if I am on the verge of failure. It scares me. I am reluctant to get up in the morning. I procrastinate coming to this table. I idle my day away. Oh please, I need help!

At last, my son, you admit that you need help! Many have thought that you have needed help for years! After all, you hear voices in your head.

You are mocking me! You are making humor at my expense? I asked for help and you

make fun of you. Yes, I’m making fun of you. And with you. Throughout our long history of writing – some five years now – you have had one consistent habit that I have, equally consistently, found irritating – you worry too much.

You find me irritating? I come for help and you tell me you find me irritating??? I am suppose to be your great communicator, your great messenger, and you find me irritating???

As you too seem to be becoming irritated, let me clarify. I am not, nor have I ever been, irritated with you. What I said was that I have found your consistent habit of worrying too much to be irritating. That is true enough. I do find it irritating. And, yes – before you ask – God can experience, can be irritated – if God chooses to be. And I do so choose – it fits the circumstances.

I worry too much?

Normally, I would overlook it. After all, it is only mildly irritating to me – much like a gnat buzzing at your ear – and normally I would just wave it away. But, today, you have told me that this worry, your worry is interfering with our book process. That is not acceptable. Not to me. Not to you. So I decided to jolt you a bit. Give you a wake up call and a pep talk – all rolled up in one. How’s that for help?

This is your idea of a pep talk?

No. This is the wake up call portion of our talk.

I see.

Now, Rick, my son, you are doing quite well at this – you really are – but you seem to have a certain set of expectations of exactly how this book process is suppose to work. Things seldom work out the way they are suppose to. Particularly when what you are supposing is unrealistic. As your expectations are. You expect all of this – this book process – to go smoothly. You thought – and therefore placed expectation on – that this book process would flow smoothly just as this ink is flowing upon the page. You have expected that you would write page after page, hour after hour, day after day. Is that not true?

Yes, I have thought I would sit and write hour after hour, page after page – until I ran out of ink and notebooks to write in.

Not just thought – your expected.

Okay. Yes. Yes, I have placed expectations on this book writing process.

Good. Now we’re getting somewhere. We are dealing with the issues. And it’s starting to help because already you are relaxing – you’re going with the flow so to speak.

Cute. A reference to the ink flowing.

It works and this communication is flowing. Isn’t that what you wanted – for the ink to flow upon the page?

I realize that this conversation doesn’t put me in the best light. I am suppose to be – hell, I can’t even remember the four things I’m suppose to be.

Interesting. Why don’t you stop, look it up and bring those words back to here.

I see what your doing. (Forcing me to look up an excerpt from a past writing. Something I have been struggling with.)

Good. Humor me. Look it up and bring it back here.

I am embarrassed by what I have found. Although I did remember the first thing I am suppose to be before I looked it up.

So you said four and there are actually only three – big deal. Big deal!

How could I have forgotten?

You’re human.

I’m human?

Yep. Perfectly human. If you don’t believe me – pinch yourself. You’ll find you are flesh and blood and perfectly human. You place very high standards upon yourself. You always have. You are a perfectionist. Most times this serves you as you look after the details that escape others. At other times, it drives you to distraction – such as in the last few days.

I want to point out that I didn’t find this irritating and I am not criticizing you or lecturing you in any way. I am simply pointing out that you are a perfectionist. You have been all of your life – in an effort to be perfect for a father that ignored you. While you have outgrown the need to prove yourself to your father, the perfectionism remains. That is the simple fact of what is.

Now as I asked you to look it up and bring your words back to here, please list the three things you are.

An excerpt from a writing held on Monday, August 25, 2008. It would be repeated over the next several writings.

I am a Messenger of God.
I am a Prophet.
I am a Spiritual Leader.

Notice I said the three things you are – not the three things you are suppose to be, Not the three things you are suppose to do. I have placed no expectations upon you. There is nothing you have to do, nothing you are suppose to do. These things are simply who you are. The bottom two are aspects of the first. Simply and powerfully – and I would even say profoundly – you are My Messenger.

I am your messenger. (with conviction.)

You are. I have declared it to be and so it is! You are My Messenger. You have not stopped being My Messenger. Not for a very long time. From time to time we have taken breaks in our communication but you have not stopped being my messenger. Do you denounce it now?

No. No. I do not. I am a Messenger of God.

Good. I’m glad you accept this burden.

Burden?

Let’s be honest – being my messenger carries a very big responsibility – and while there are many blessings that come with the job – perks, if you will – it is a burden and is not for everyone.

I thought everyone was a messenger of God.

I may use anyone at any given moment to convey a message I want delivered. In this way, yes, everyone is my messenger. Additionally, everyone can – if they so choose to – communicate with me in a similar manner as we are presently using. But that message is often meant only for their own use. While this makes them a messenger of God, it is with a very limited use.

Then there is you. A Messenger of God. You receive my message to be delivered onto the world. And while it is I who declare you to be My Messenger, the world will judge you for having the balls to say it out loud. Say it again for me.

I am a Messenger of God.

That takes balls. And it carries a burden. A burden that you readily accept. To the point that it worries you. You worry that you – in your humanity – can somehow screw it up. How wonderful is that? I know I told you that I found your habit of worrying too much to be irritating but it does mean you care. I know that. So let me reassure you that you cannot screw this up. Now, please tell me why you can’t screw it up.

There is nothing but perfection.

And?

I am a Messenger of God.

Excellent. This concludes the pep talk portion of our talk. Now I would like to talk about our book writing process.

Okkayy.

I am going to radically change it and I want you to trust me and to trust in the process.

You’re mocking me. “Trust in the process” is advice that I often give a dear friend.

As well as others. Yes, I am mocking you. You okay with that?

Very okay.

Good. (Smiling.) Now as I said, trust in the process.
I want you to do several things:
1. Finish editing the text that you have printed out. It will just drive you to distraction to leave it unfinished.
2. Finish editing the text from Sunday. For the same reason as above. Do not worry about finding the correct reference within the CWG trilogy. There is time enough for that later.
3. Reprint the above and set it aside.
4. Finishing unpacking. We’re staying and the inspirational quotes are part of your well being.
5. This will be the hard part and will take diligence. I want you to type any writing that is not presently in your computer. You may make denotations as to the subject matter but do not get hung up on it. It is much more important for you to just get them typed.
6. I want you to type this writing and file it in our book file.
7. Periodically while typing we may have further discussions. At that time, you will know if it is part of our book file or to be filed with the other writings.
8. This too will take diligence. I want you to print all of our writings and to read them. You may find post-its helpful in marking text we may wish to use in our book. It is not a sin to highlight our text.
9. This is most important. Pay attention. I want you to relax about this book writing process. Forget about finding the appropriate CWG quote. It is not important enough to slow down our process. The CWG cosmology is not the bible, we need not turn it into one. It will be enough to say you learned it from me. You can even say you learned it with CWG. And you can quit worrying that you are paraphrasing. That is the point of our book – that you internalized (my pen ran out of ink as I wrote the last word)

You did that on purpose!

Who me? You think I would arrange for us to write the ink out of a pen just to reassure you that all is well with our writing process – that all is flowing as it should? You think I’d do that for you?

Yes. That is the kind of God I have found you to be.

I did it for us, for our book writing process. And please remember – I like the flow of ink upon the page as much as you do. Now as I was saying:

That is the point of our book – that you have internalized the CWG material and have made it part of your life and through that process have found peace and harmony.

10. This too is going to cause you work but until I otherwise inform you I want us to write with pen and ink. Our writing process flows better. And we – and by that we I mean you – will not get hung up on if we are or are not getting it transcribed into the computer fast enough.

A typist will be coming?

For now we will concentrate on these ten things and we – again that means you – will just let it unfold.

I love you – you know that.

Indeed–enough to move across the country just to sit and write a book that you don’t know what is about except in the vaguest sense. I love you too. I do—even in your perfectionism, even in your worry – even in, even in. I love you as you are. I always have. I always will. Just as you are –

(In unison.) perfect.