Camp Harmony Experiences

Before I get into the sharing of my experiences let me warn you: like many of my postings here, this is a lengthy article--some 11 pages. This is a very intimate view into my life. I know that many of things I share here will be unbeleivable and maybe not just beyound your understanding but beyound what you can conceive. Yet it is very real to me--it is my life. I ask that you respect that and realize that I consider this a sacred sharing.

Camp Harmony Experiences

I was there with my friend Maria. The others were her friends, and now of course are my friends. There were five of us—Kyle, Kyle’s partner Sue, Russ, Maria and myself. These people are my spiritual peers. I’m not sure if you understand what that means. It means that we each are basically at the same spiritual level. We are not novices and we know what it means to really work issues, to be fully authentic and to be fully present. And have a willingness to work with others as they worked their processes. This was a dynamic week. Most often we were working 4 on 1, and sometimes 5 on 5 in such a way that it led into other processes.

Each of us were working different issues and we set certain intentions both as a group and as individuals. Setting such intentions is a powerful experience in such retreats as it is apparent that the universe strives/works to fulfill them. And continue to do so even as the retreat is completed.

The group’s was “what is keeping me from fully accepting success.” I had two: “What issues are causing me to hold my weight?” In preparation for what I am to be with this book: “to balance myself body, mind and spirit.” I knew as I set those intentions that working the issues would be painful. That is partially what I mean about being authentic—a willingness to display your vulnerability, a willingness even when knowing working the issue will be painful, do to so anyway.

In the past I have spoken about my ability to receive divine instruction, to work with energy—both reading it and using it to heal. I would use these abilities to assist others, as well as myself, to process issues. Someone would announce they were ready to work their issue and what they needed from the group and so it would begin. It required great listening skills—listening to the person processing, to the rest of group as they assisted, and to divine direction. Each of us were doing the same.

My Wounded Inner Child Process

To understand this experience you have to remember that I am into metaphysical experiences. I have prophetic abilities. I can feel energies and I am usually very aware of what is going on within my consciousness and my sub-consciousness. I hope you don’t see this as a creepy/weird kind of thing but as an simple and profound extension of my spirituality.

As I started to look at the intention of “what is causing me to hold my weight” I became aware of a wounded inner child of maybe 13, 14, 15 who was in a semi-fetal position who was protecting himself under about “a foot” of fat. As the group sat around our “campfire” (a glass table top set on the floor with candles, I told them that I was aware of Rickey and that tomorrow I would need to bring him forward and that I would need them to question him. I asked that the women do most of the questioning as I knew the wounds had been caused by my father. I advised the men that if they spoke to Rickey, they should need to use soft loving voices without confrontations.

Do you find this information interesting? We came to call instructions like this as “user guides.” We were directing our own processes, but we knew that we did not have enough energy to work them alone, we needed the combined energies of the group. Yet we were staying flexible while user guides set the parameters we were allowing things to unfold as they would. And the universe, God, the divine provided the perfect experience.

So the next day we met offsite. We sat on the floor and I sat with my back against the windows. There was a wonderful cool breeze and running the energy I was, I needed it.

Taking a couple of deep breaths and a very moments to quiet my mind, I got in touch with Rickey and allowed him to come forward. Yes, I was still aware of my personality, but this is a way of channeling Rickey, so that he might be healed. Maria did most of the questioning. Her questions helped Rickey to reveal of course, his wounds were about having not been acknowledged by my father. (As I knew it would be. I have worked this issue many times. Each time healing a different aspect. This time I was working on the weight issue.) Rickey had so longed to be told “I love you, and “I’m proud of you.” As Rickey I remembered dad beating me for lying at a time of a misunderstanding, when I had spoke the truth. I remembered the welts. I remember basically being ignored for most of my teenage years. There was so much pain. And I was quietly crying. I said I wanted to stop the process.

Now this is almost always honored but also the group is very sensitive that some of us get on the edge of something and then are afraid to go forward. We usually try to encourage the person to keep going, but if they are vehement, we do indeed stop. So the group paused, but did not stop. I “sat” with that thought. Did I want to stop or go on?

I was trying to decide when Kyle asked me if he could touch me. And I said why? He said he thought it would help. I told him no and as I did so, Rickey came forward and passionately whispered, “HUG ME!” Kyle quickly moved into and hugged Ricky tightly and as I hugged him tightly and he returned the tightness and I began to not just cry, but to sob. Deep, heavy, healing sobs. I whispered into his ears that Rickey had waited for a very, very long time to be hugged. To be loved. This continued for 5, maybe 10 minutes. Heavy, exhausting sobs. I was aware that I was released years, even decades, of pain. Which carries a huge energy. Yet Kyle was such a person that he could handle it as I released the energy. Finally, I sat back, and Kyle moved right with me, and kept his arm around me. I cannot tell you how loved I felt.

Kyle directed the group to move in tighter to me, and to touch me and simply to love me. Now this is not just an emotion but an energy. It is like a warm, golden light that just seems to fill you up. But this was slightly wrong idea from Kyle. Rick came back present even as I continued to sit with my eyes closed. I put my hand up to stop and redirected the group. I said not all at once. (I have love issues. I often see myself as unlovable and I knew this level of love could overwhelm me.) So I slowly directed the rest of group to move in to me. First Sue . . . . then Maria . . . . then Russ . . . . and Kyle was already hugging me. Tears quietly fell as the love flowed into me. I then became aware of my father being present.

Is this too creepy for you? Too out there for you? Is this too “touchy-feely?” Too new age? This will give you an idea of what this retreat was like. It was very powerful, profound and awesome experience. We each were working, did work this level of work, this type of processes. Now back to the telling.

I was aware of my father standing just outside our circle. Between Maria and Sue. And I told the group he was there and I started crying more heavily. Because he was talking to me. He told me he was proud of me, he loved me. He asked me to forgive him, that he didn’t know just how sensitive I was. I was crying too hard to speak, but I kept shaking my head no. I could feel my friends concern for my reaction to him being present although I had not told them what he was saying. As I shook my head no, he fell to his knees and asked, if he begged me, would I forgive him. I now broke down in hard sobs like I had when in Kyle’s embrace. I felt more love flow as my friends intensified the energy of their love. Finally I stopped sobbing and was able to catch my long enough to speak.

I told him that I could not forgive him. I think I have told you before that I hold Dad in a very deep gratitude for what he gave me—a true appreciation for love. I am the loving man I am today because he did love me, did not demonstrate love. If I were to forgive him, it would lessen the gratitude for him. There is part of me that absolutely understands the perfection of my experience of being “unloved.” I repeated that I could not forgive him, I cannot forgive you, for there is nothing to forgive you for. With that I crossed my hands over my heart and I just held him dear to my heart. In those moments of love, with my hands lover my heart, I became aware of what I needed to do with/for Rickey and myself.

I know it’s weird to speak of myself as both Rick and Rickey, but that is the way it felt. Different aspects of myself, separate yet part of the whole. Except not quite. Rickey had wrapped himself up in fat to protect himself and I was aware that this experience had brought him out of it.

I was aware of Rickey standing just outside of my aura. It was no longer necessary for him to protect himself. I opened my arms and invited him into my heart. To be loved. To dwell. To be part of the whole. For evermore. We could once again be one. I hugged him, and just held him, loving him and tentatively he agreed and I just let him take his time coming into my heart. Strange I know, but my experience nonetheless. I slowly closed my arms once again and crossed my hands over my heart. I sat for a few minutes and just loved myself even as my dear friends loved me. Rickey was honestly gleeful at being a part of the whole again.

I announced my process was complete and we took a bathroom break which meant we had to walk to a different building. It was an interesting experience as we walked—I felt, well——thin! It was joyful to be in my body. Again, I know this is strange, but it has been a long time since I have felt comfortable in this body.

This ended up manifesting itself in an interesting way. My body started to communicate with me. It was fun. I could/can hear it talk to me. It often speaks in the royal “we.” Saying we what this or that. For instance: one night, we went to a Mexican restaurant and I ordered tosquitos and a dinner salad. It was a good salad with a nice house dressing. By the time the entrée arrived, my body no longer wanted it. It wanted another salad. So I had the entrée boxed and ordered another salad. My body was truly joyful that I was listening to it.

Over the rest of the week this communication would continue and it continues to speak to me. The other manifestation is that my body likes to move. Dance, exercise, walking, hiking—except it doesn’t feel like drudgery, but a joyful choice. I must admit that I have not done so since I arrived back here, but my body is working on other issues—remember that intention of balancing myself in body, mind and spirit. Well, the easiest way to describe what is going on with me is that I am bringing myself into balance and that exercise is not appropriate at this time.

If I didn’t say so, my process was on Wednesday. And even as I was in recovery from it, I was able to help Maria work her process later in the afternoon. Oh, I forgot part of the story. When we came back from the break, we decided we wanted to dance. Russ had the perfect song Mojave by Afro Celtic Sound System. I don’t dance well. I have no sense of rhythm and as I big man I am just awkward. But as I described earlier, my body likes to move and that’s just what it did—joyfully. A smile often broke out, and I felt almost giddy as I moved. As I danced I would laugh with just the joy of my body moving. My dear friend Maria used this time to do some yoga stretching. We all knew music was a process trigger for her, and this did indeed bring her into her process.

That was how our days sort of went. Process, break, exercise/music, process. We usually worked two processes a day then spent time in reflection. While we sometimes parted, we would come back together in the evening at the “campfire.” Reflections of day were shared and we sat in gratitude for not just today’s work, but for the privilege of being able to be present as processes were being worked. It required such trust, such love, such authenticity that it felt what we were sharing was both sacred and holy.

Let me tell you something that happened during the reflection time we held about my Rickey process. I asked Kyle how he knew to suggest touching me, that led to hugging me. He looked puzzled at me and said, “You told me.” I asked when and he told me last night. (Meaning during the previous night’s campfire when I had told the group what I would need for my process.) I shook my head that I hadn’t said that. And he firmly told me, “Seriously, you told me.” He was talking about our spirits talking to each other. Energetically. That was the kind of connection the group had and especially Kyle and I.

Are you bored? Or do you find this fascinating? I hope the latter as I do have one more process that I had that I want to share and if you think the above process was wild, just wait—the next one will really blow you away. It did me, and my dear friend, I have had some miraculous experiences in my life! I have debated sharing these processes with you because, well, first it is difficult to find the words to describe them. Secondly, in fear that you would think I’m way, way, way out there but I tell you, this stuff is real. Or at least, is for me and I guess, for my friends as well. I think I far too often use the words miraculous and profound to describe the events in my life but it is part of my reality. Is there any doubt why I wrote a book called Reality Spirituality?

I need to tell you a little about how Camp Harmony functioned. So, everyone was working their processes. They were often proceeded with an explanation of their “user guides” but soon we came to understand each others needs and knew how to help each other. Processes could pop up while reflecting upon other processes and so on. We were very flexible and things just flowed—perfectly. But they didn’t always go as we thought they would. As you will soon see. I hope I can find the words to do justice with the telling of this.

Giving up my “Bigness” Process

It was now Saturday and we all had taken time sometime during the week to work processes—except for Kyle. We had discussed this the night before and we agreed that today, we would all focus on Kyle and his process. It would be inappropriate for me to tell you the details of Kyle’s process without his permission. But I can share some of it—as how it relates to my process. (And yes, there is much more to this story than I am telling here.) We were talking about our astral bodies—that other worldliness that we were both aware of. I think I spoke of how limiting these bodies were when we were limitless. That we could go anywhere we wanted at the speed of thought. I spoke of our power. All this while locked on his eyes, and aware of us being in space.

He asked where I thought our power resides within our bodies. I pointed to his chest, to his sternum. I talked about it being a separate heart, different form this body’s heart. I spoke of its radiant power. As I touched his chest, as I answered his question, we were both back on earth, back in our bodies but our eyes remained locked. He once again asked me where my power lied and I once again pointed to his chest. He asked if I was sure? I paused to go within myself to confirm it and then confirmed my answer. He had this look, that was pure love and he calmly said, “You need to let go of that.” I think he touched my chest. I was stunned into silence. I’m sure I frowned as I continued to stare into his eyes. I was confused and bewildered by his statement yet I could see that he was serious, and that he was speaking about me, this body, my personal power and not our astral beings. I shook my head no, and said, “This isn’t about me. This is about you, Kyle. I’m here to help Kyle.” He answered, “If want to help Kyle, I need you to let go of that. Before you can help Kyle, you have to let go of that.”

I was stunned, dumbfounded, confused, bewildered. I couldn’t understand what was happening. This wasn’t about me, it was about him, and yet I knew he was sincerely asking this of me. He was asking me to give up what I knew to be my personal power. And his eyes were lovingly asking me to do this. I broke eye contact and as I did I “felt” for where this energy dwelled. I pleaded, “Are you sure?” He nodded and I once again went inside, and “grabbed” hold of it, so to speak. I now was ready to remove it if I were to so chose but knew I would have to do so forcefully. I looked into his eyes, and once again asked if he was sure. He nodded. I moved as if to remove it and stopped. I came back to his eyes, and asked, “if I do this, will I still have my prophetic ability? Will I still have my energy? I need them, I still have work to do.” I don’t know if he answered verbally. I know energetically I felt the answer was that “I needed to do this.” I must tell you truthfully, I did not know what was going on here. I was aware I was giving up my personal power but if this man, if my brother, needed me to do this for him, then I would do it. That was the kind of love I held for this man. I leaned to my right and coughed/retched like I had something lodged deep in my lungs. I coughed and retched repeatedly until I felt it move up and out. I spat it out onto/into the earth. When I sat back up I was trembling and felt weak. I looked into his eyes. I said, let’s go over here and stood up. I told the group I needed to talk to Kyle alone for a minute.

We walked into the sunshine and I hugged him close and whispered, “Brother, what the fuck just happened!” He asked what I thought just happened. I had the impression that I had coughed up some foreign entity. But that was vague, I was searching for answers and were finding none. This is not normal for me. I have such a connection to the divine, to spirit guides, I can usually get at a sense of what’s going on if not a very clear idea. I was weak, trembling. Kyle, told me I wasn’t done that I had more to do. He suggested/guided me to lie down but to watch out for the bees. And now I realized that this process had quit being about Kyle and was about me—mostly, against my will. My love for Kyle had lead me to a process that I would never have worked on my own.

I don’t like laying out in the sun, but I was too weak to argue. Kyle proceeded to tell me that I had put my weight on so that I would be big enough that I could not be ignored. (Aftermath of the wounded inner child, Rickey.) Additionally, I had brought “my energy, my prophetic abilities, my ability to talk with the angels—all of it—for the same reason—to be big enough that I could not be ignored. It was now time for me to let go of all that. I knew instantly that he was speaking a truth and I could feel this thing within me. As I reflect upon it now, I realize I had let go of my power in the first step, and what was left was this “bigness” that was a combination of both intentions and they no longer served me. I needed to remove them.

Before I go one with this story, it’s important for you realize I am a very private person. I hate, hate, hate being publicly embarrassed or humiliated. This stems back to my alcoholic father. So I remind you we are in a private area of a public park. There definitely had been people around the area. (There’s an online game for people who have portable GPS program and use it to find a “treasure” and then log in what you found. And so forth. I had observed several people in our area using their GPS’s.) Yet as this process unfolded, I was not aware of them and didn’t care if they saw me/us processing. Which was pretty amazing in itself.

This “bigness” felt like a big dark blob just under my sternum. (And I realize now that my source of power at the point of my sternum was masking it and that without letting go of it, I would not have been able to feel/see this blob.) This blob was huge. I knew I did not have the energy/power to remove this “bigness.” Kyle called over the rest of group. He told them that they all needed to give me energy, all that they had, to help remove this. And in those moments I realized just how big this blob was and that I was . . . well . . . I was about to go through childbirth. Can you imagine such a thing? Yep, just the idea of it was strange. But in that moment, it seemed like the most natural thing to do. I pulled my knees/legs up. Sue acted as midwife. I felt Maria at my head, and I asked her to put her hands on my head. I told her on the count of three, give me all the energy she had. I counted off and the entire group gave me this huge surge of energy. It flooded through my crown chakra and flushed down toward my root chakra. I gripped Sue’s hands, I cramped and I grunted/screamed with the effort. Just like labor. I fell back and breathed deeply. And just like labor, I cramped again, and the group once again assisted me. I was particularly aware of Maria’s surge of energy. I voided a large blob of dark energy from between my legs. It lay there seeping into mother earth but I knew I was not done. As I panted, I told Maria that we would not need as much energy this time, that just the afterbirth, the residue of what was left remained. So once again, with the help of everyone, I strained and voided the remaining residue. I lay back exhausted.

I was weak. I has lost my power and my energy. I felt nearly empty, hollow much like I imagined a woman would feel like after giving birth. (I know it’s a strange analogy but it fits perfectly.) I became aware of that I was laying in the sun and that I needed to cool off. I think I was whispering, but maybe I was only speaking softly—I know I felt like I didn’t have the energy to speak out loud. We were near trees but there was very little grass under them, just dirt. I asked if there was shade near by with grass. They affirmed there was, indicating the direction where it was. I announced that I needed to move to it so that I could recover. I slowly rolled over to my hands and knees. They offered to help me stand, I answered that I was too weak, that I would crawl. They insisted and I slowly stood. I am pretty sure I wobbled as I walked maybe 20-25 feet. I fell to the ground and I laid back down, closed my eyes and tried to bring my breathing back to normal.

Kyle advised me to take deep cleansing breaths. Finally, my mind started to function, and realized I was no longer me. I had just let go of much of what I identified myself with/as. I opened my eyes and looked at him. I put my hand on his heart, and asked, “Are we still brothers?” Those loving eyes looked back at me and said, “of course.” I laid back and tried to breathe as the tears flowed. Russ brought over his guitar and started to play. There is nothing quite as soothing and as healing as the vibration of those guitar strings. Calm slowly returned to me and I was able to once again come to peace.

With a few more breaths I was calm enough to tell Kyle, “Okay, I’m ready for you to tell me what you have to tell me.” He told me once again about my “big energy” and that I had let go of it—I had to find my own power. I now realized exactly what I had let go of. I didn’t know if I could find my own power. I cried/sobbed but was so exhausted that I couldn’t maintain it and the tears just flowed without sobbing. I lay there with hands over my sternum. Perhaps trying to comfort the emptiness, the void.

Now my friend, I can tell you that something is never metaphysically removed that the void is not filled back in. Usually it is filled with the white/gold light-universal energy-Christ’s glow. I have heard it defined it many ways, but what it really gets down to is that it is love—profound, unconditional love. And that’s exactly what they did here. Kyle once again guided the group to touch me and to love me, to just give me love.

Now, I must tell you that part of that blob was my feeling of being unlovable. A habit of thought that had become so engrained that I believed it at a core level. I had just released that habit and I realized that this action was cauterizing the wound and as you can imagine, I was resistant to the idea. My jaw locked as I gritted my teeth. I groaned, “I’d rather you pull my teeth than to force this upon me.” I think it was Maria that told me to just let it in. As I resisted I saw just how diabolical this process was. I would have never entered into it without thinking I was giving up something on behalf of “my brother.” I had given up my personal power. And now, I was so weakened by the process of what I guess could be called blob-birth that I didn’t have the strength to resist the love that was being forced upon me. I hated what had just happened, I hated this process even as I knew I needed to accept this. Knowing it and doing it was two different things. My body started to be warmed by their love. I now knew I hadn’t been comforting my sternum—I had been protecting my heart chakra. Yet I resisted. I knew that spreading my arms out, stretching them fully out, would be/is an act of acceptance and I slowly started to move my arms. It took concentration and focus and well, a willingness that I was very resistant to. I could feel the love, but there was still part of me that did not want to believe I was loveable. But I tell you, my dear friend, such love cannot be defeated. We learned during this retreat that this love energy is the most healing of energies. Just love. As the Beatles so accurately said “Love is all there is.” I got my left arm stretched open, but could not bring my right arm closer than about 6” off the ground. I tried to focus my energy but my arm would only tremble with the effort. I was simply too weak, after forcing the left arm to open, I didn’t have the energy to completed the movement of my right. I know it seems incredulous that I could resist my own efforts but there it is. The solution is equally incredulous. I decided to embrace the resistance instead of resisting it. I asked Maria to help me by pushing down on my arm. As she pushed, I resisted and as I was in a weakened state, I could not maintain the resistance and my arm collapsed to the ground. My arms were now fully extended and with that simple movement of my arm all resistance fell away to be replaced by acceptance. A rush of love flooded into me and seemed to literally inflate my chest and will the cavity that the voiding of the blob had left. I sighed with relief.

Gaining in strength, I repeated my earlier question of Kyle. “What did he now have to tell me?” He repeated his answer that I needed to find my own power. The question puzzled me. I didn’t know what he meant, but with the speed of divine inspiration I knew exactly what I needed to do. I informed the group that I was okay and that I was gong to move to my hands and knees and to please just go along with what I was about to do.

I rolled over and got to my hands and knees then shook my shoulders about and as I did so I shook out my wings. I stretched my arms and much as a newly emerged butterfly spreads its wings to dry—I spread out my wings. You may think it takes a lot of ego to say that. Or to be deluded. I assure you I had just voided my ego within that blob. I will remind you that we all are angels, and one must only choose to own one’s wings to feel them. It was empowering or as I thought of it: (I) “ampowered”. It was joyful to feel them. I could literally feel each individual feather flex in the breeze. I told the group of my wings and what I was experiencing. I looked up at Kyle and said, “Is that enough fucking power for you?” I laughed.

He brought me a glass of water which he suggested I empower by adding to it. I added energy plucked out of universal energy to the water. I added acceptance, empowerment, self-love, and so on. I drank it all down. With that the process was complete. We took a break, and spent time to reflect upon the session.

I am happy to report that this did indeed help Kyle with his process and helped to bring him to several insights that I will not share here but did bring a breakthrough for him.

Reflections After Camp Harmony

Overall the retreat was not just successful but was a profound experience for us. We bonded in ways that is still being defined. The processing came to an end on Sunday and Camp Harmony came to a close. We spent one last night around the “campfire.” The next morning we shared reflections of the week and we each set intentions as to how we were going to continue the success the retreat had brought to us.

During that reflection I admitted that I had no desire to share my book with the world, that I wanted to keep it to myself. Yet I knew this was what I had come to this life for. I set an intention to edit the book during my upcoming house sitting for my cousin. I also set an intention to continue to balance myself—body, mind and spirit—which meant continuing to listen to my body.

We spoke of future Camp Harmonies and discussed that we would like to do this much more often—perhaps for a weekend every month to six weeks. We spoke of our desire to live in community, or nearly so.

A bit more about the retreat experience. Music was a great part of it. We formed a soundtrack from it. I am listening to some of it as I type. Afro Celtic Sound System has this wonderful African New Age sound. I think I have previously told you about John Denver’s All This Joy. The artists ranged from U2, Marillion and as diverse as Tears for Fears and Crash Test Dummies. The soundtrack also include a great self-written song that Russ provided called Harmony Station. How cool was that? It could very well end up being our theme song. Since then Kyle shared his song Life Without Limitations that’s equally powerful/cool. There is something to the statement that music can touch your soul. It can soothe as much as it can empower. It creates a emotional bond.

Just because the retreat came to a close doesn’t mean that our personal growth has stopped. We all have continued to process. So it goes with me. My mind has been in turmoil as you well might have imagined.

There is part of me that is uneasy with the fact that I have not edited the book. Yet, I clearly know and understand that I put some very powerful things in motion during the retreat. I set an intention that I would become balanced body, mind and spirit. I think doing so is not just important to the work that I am to do, but essential. I truly do see myself as a spiritual leader which is an outcome of this book. Or is it that the book is an outcome of spiritual leadership? Hmmm. I know that I am very busy and have been thinking deep thoughts. (Do I sound like the Scarecrow in the Wizard of Oz?) I know this is about balancing myself in ways I didn’t realize. Going into Camp Harmony I would have said I was indeed in balance.

One of the things that the group set as an intention was a balance of purpose/relationship. We often spoke of intimacy and how each of us have issues with it. Of course this can also be interpreted as in-to-me-cy—I have to go in to me to be able to see what’s really going on.

During recent self reflection, I have come to realize that I have not been truly authentic in any of my recent relationships. Not with my sweet young girlfriend, nor with the sweet Asian woman who was so devoted to me and perhaps not even in my marriage of 25 years. Once again I think this stems back to feeling so unlovable within my family and particularly with my father. I realize that at best during these relationships I have only given about 70% of heart. At best! Now, I do acknowledge that 70% of my big heart is quite something, maybe even extraordinary. I gave of myself only to a point and did not give all of myself—not like I had lived and loved with Gabriel (name changed). She and I had a deep conversation about this during my most recent visit with her. She told/advised me that I needed to allow myself to truly love again.) And in some ways, maybe many way, maybe in a very deep and significant way—I haven’t truly allowed others to love me. (Isn’t it interesting what you come to realize about yourself when you do deep introspection?) Because of all of this and more I have been examining myself and my life to determine just how authentic I have been. While I do readily accept and honor the perfection of my life if I am to evolve, then, I must look at my life. I’m not sure if I was authentic during my 25 year old marriage. Not in the way that I presently understand it to mean.

From that introspection I choose to evolve from what I was to what I have chose to be and I am now resolved to live more authentically. Kyle and I had a long phone conversation talking about the recent Camp Harmony and the upcoming one. We spoke once again about living in harmony, in community—even if we are not living under one roof. We spoke about living authentically and how to do so in relationship.

Authentically means living self-fully. Hmmm, maybe living self-fully is living successfully. Once must truly be centered in self before one can love another. It is important to acknowledge what self needs before one can fulfill the needs of another. Now saying that, it doesn’t mean that priorities are not flexible. I’m just aware that I have far too often denied myself and not been authentic to my needs. I imagine this may be confusing to you. I know what I mean yet find it difficult to articulate. The above lines can be read as selfish and egotistical, but in fact they aren’t—they are very loving statements. I just know that when I am balanced in body, mind and spirit—I can give more readily, more purely—even more powerfully and can do so without depleting myself in anyway.

As I have read this article I realize, that it is an extraordinary amount of stuff to be thinking about. All in an effort to define my own authenticity. I hope it reassures you that I too go through this kind of shit. I know I sometimes appear as having my shit all together and having found the answers for my life. I claim to have found peace and harmony in and for my life and this letter appears to dispute that. Yet I loudly proclaim: I am still at peace and harmony. I tell you that I could not do this level of introspection without having this peace and harmony. You have to be at peace with yourself to create such internal turmoil—all the while knowing the result will be an even deeper sense of peace. Does that make sense to you?

There is another Camp Harmony scheduled. It seems we all need it, as the process of the retreat has not stopped. I am moving to California. I will live my friends for a bit—a month or so—until I can get a job to build up some cash reserve and find a room of my own.

Interestingly I have only written to God once since I left Oregon. I haven’t felt the need. I have done several “check-in’s” in which I ask if I need to write or even if I need to work on the book. I am told that I need to be in balance. Which I am in the process of. I know very clearly what I’m about, and that this too is part of the book process. I do feel I will get to the editing while in California. But we shall see.